There are many things that I like to keep to myself and don’t like to share in fear of judgment.
I created this blog in attempt to share some experiences I have lived and see what others have experienced in hopes of communicated things that many might be too afraid to share. I will try to make this post not be so full of sad feelings as this is a hard topic for many.
2 years ago on June 7, 2015, I experienced the hardest most difficult thing I have ever had to face in MY life. That May, I found out I was pregnant. After a year of trying to get pregnant, blood tests, pills, ultrasounds, biopsy, etc….that positive test just took to long to appear. We had finally been blessed with a pregnancy.
At the moment it was a feeling of excitement, of gratefulness and at the same time a feeling of fear. The fear came from not knowing what to do. I had a positive home pregnancy test, so what am I suppose to do now? how am I suppose to be feeling? is it really true? had my prayers finally been answered?
My brain was filled with thoughts and emotions. I call the OB to schedule my appointment, OMG, I am really pregnant, right?? The next couple of days I really try to convince myself that this is truly happening. I become attached to this growing baby inside of me.
I don’t like to relive this time in my life mostly because even though it has been 2 years, I can remember it as if it was just yesterday.
Long story short in the next weeks I found myself sitting at the hospital waiting room with extreme pain and cramping. Sitting in the waiting area knowing that something is not right made the minutes seem like hours and the hours became days. I already knew something was not right. Over the course of a couple of hours I had my blood drawn, urine test, ultrasound and endless amount of questions.
I knew at that moment that the one thing that I had prayed for so long was gone. I was empty. To describe what it felt like, all I can say there was physical and emotional emptyness. There is no other word to describe the feeling. You just know that your heart was torn out. I was mad at myself, mad at the doctors, mad at God. Why would He give me this gift and in the blink of an eye just take it from me? The questions just kept coming.
I gave up….
Come to find out 6 months later that I was pregnant again. Without any plan and with the idea that I was never going to be able to be a mom, I was holding a positive pregnancy test. The questions and emotions came again. This time around anxiety kicked in and mostly fear. Fear of loosing something so precious for a second time.
Long story short, now here I am, watching my 10 month old son sleeping. My rainbow was born September 09 2016. The date that we got to see his heart beating for the very first time was January 20th, 2016. This day was supposed to be my due date for my angel baby.
I AM 1 in 4.
I have learned to accept that I did nothing wrong and everything DOES happen for a reason. I know that he or she is looking over their little brother. There is not a day that I am not grateful for the things that have happened in my life. We all face different things in our lives and may feel embarrassed to share and speak out, but I want to share my story so that people know and are aware that you are not alone.
My rainbow, my sunshine after the storm has brightened my life in the most loving way.