It has been about a year since I have been back to writing anything. A year ago I quit my job and decided to be a stay at home mom. How was I going to do it? I have no idea. Ill get into that on a different post.
Anyways, just to catch up…
A year ago I became a stay at home mom, that truly sounded so easy to me. I was wrong. As you can tell I haven’t written anything for a year.
Toddler life hit and I was not ready for that. I mean, is there anything that I was really ready for. I found myself reading blogs, joining facebook groups, read and read books, for what, for nothing because every child is different, every mom is different and the model mom you thought you were going to be is all gone in the blink of an eye. Your child is this little person who is constantly changing. Let me tell you I did not know a toddler could go from loving cars and being obsessed with one thing, only for a few days later they want nothing to do with cars and they have over night began a new obsession.
I continued school and was determined to finish. I felt so confident in myself that even school became that much more difficult. I struggled more than when I was a full time employee, full time student, full time wife and full time mom. Where was my time going? I would find myself writing papers last minute and stressing. I found it hard to believe that I ran out of time every day for school work. I was truly only making excuses for myself, the day hadn’t changed it was still 24 hours.
I had fallen into a depression. I felt like I wasnt at a place where I wanted to be at my age. I had created expectations for myself based on other peoples life. I had no confidence in me. I had lost all my motivation and created a daily routine that did not allow me to invest in me. I began cleaning and organizing things that really didn’t need my attention. I was so caught up in trying to be this perfect wife, perfect mom that I completely forgot about me. The months went by and I still managed to get my school work done in a very procrastinating way.
I decided that I would go back to work. This whole stay at home mom thing was just not working out for me. I felt like I had failed as a mom. I would end my nights thinking what a horrible mom I was for not wanting to stay home longer, for wanting to be gone 9 hours a day instead of being home with my child.
As my job search began, I soon found out that I was pregnant. Something that came as a surprise as we had just given up on trying since it wasn’t happening for us for 7 months.
With the pregnancy came morning sickness (all day), migrane headaches, nausea all day long and lets not talk about the toddler. I felt like I was dying (yes, I exaggerated at times). The job search was off, just for a bit until I felt better. I waited for second trimester to hit so I could feel a bit better and be excited at this new life that was growing inside of me. Second trimester came and morning sickness stuck with it. I was that much more exhausted every day that small tasks were impossible for me.
School continued and toddler life continued.
After all my excuses, I graduated with my bachelors in April 2018. I was in disbelief that I had actually done it. I finished my 1 goal that I had set for myself. Took me 10 years to complete and I was so proud of myself. I was proud because regardless of everything that life threw at me and even if others were moving faster than me, I knew that my journey was not easy and that I had pushed through so much.
And here comes life once again…
May 9th, I got a message from my OB. I had been diagnosed with Cholestasis(ICP). My world sank. As some of you have read my past blogs, I was diagnosed with this disease my last pregnancy. I was 27/28 weeks at that time. I was set to start taking medicine, Ursodiol, and have twice weekly NSTs.
Lets go back a bit, I was supposed to be looking for a job.
You know, I was numb at that moment. I did not want this thing(ICP). Why again? I was eating healthy, I had read so much about it so I was more informed of what could happen but why did it happen again. My thoughts just raced through my head daily. I had a toddler to take care of, how was I suppose to take care of me and an unborn baby all at the same time.
My life with Cholestasis and a toddler was about to begin. Will write my pregnacy journey, soon.
Life happens. Every story is different. Mine is this and I know it could be worse and I am thankful daily for everything I have. I have a lot to learn. Now as a mom of 2 and being a stay at home mom, I find myself making up more and more excuses for not doing things for me. This is a journey that I want to share with as much realness as possible.
Life happens, we cant all fit into the same category. I will try to be as raw and real as possible on my following blogs and yes they may be a bit scattered but hey that’s real life. I have accepted that I do not fit into any one single mom category. I am doing life as it comes.
Love being a mom and cant wait to share my pregnancy journey, Cholestasis, birth story, life with 2 under 2, wife life, and more.
Thank you for reading this long random post.
Full Time Mom Love