Everyone always says “it takes a village to raise children”.
I really do believe this because parenting can get hard specially when you have more than one child. Not necessarily meaning that children are hard, just the entire experience and unexpected situations.
I don’t know if you feel the same way but being a stay-at-home mom is a very lonely task that not many understand. Many don’t even talk about it because how dare we complain one bit about our days. Oh no, no complaining or the judgment looks begin. “But your children are beautiful”, ummm, when did I day they were ugly. ” But you get to make memories”, umm yeah small ones in between changing diapers, cooking meals, cleaning, laundry, running errands, picking up messes, you name it. So yes, sorry if a stay at home mom dares complain a bit because all assumptions begin and how ungrateful could she possibly be. Blah blah.
Anyways, yes it’s hard and yes parents need time to themselves because before being mom and dad, you were husband and wife or boyfriend and girlfriend. Take into account that if you have multiple kids and you need to go to the doctors you can’t just take all of them and then risk getting everyone sick. There are things that happen too where you need someone.
There are many moms and children stationed in states where they have no friends or family, I know that there are situations where the village is too far and nearly impossible to get close to and I do understand that sometimes villages are hard to build and moms have to deal with hard situations where they may feel even lonelier. But that’s where their village has to come in and remind them that no matter how far away they always have someone to talk to someone who will listen to them.
Then there are situations like mine where my “village” is between 10-15 minutes away but not there. I constantly heard advise that sounded a little like this : “don’t be afraid to ask for help” “If you ask for help, help will come” “There is plenty of people who care about you guys so just ask for help”. Seriously left and right people just tell you to ask for help.
But what happenes when the only help you can get is your own. I know I can handle all this because I have been for the past 2 years as a stay at home mom. I’ve managed to find things that work for me. Things to get past my anxiety. I am able to clean daily, cook daily, and maintain my sanity. I am literally a mom 24/7 there are no breaks for this mom. You can find me browsing the Target aisles alone maybe once a month.
The fact that I have this so called “village” so close to me but rarely shows up is hard. It’s like one of those things that you just don’t know what to do with it.
Here is my vent. To those who think I can just get up and go and that think date nights are fun and all, you are wrong. Date nights are scheduled and always such a small window because again the village that I have is not really my village and consist of probably 2 people.
When you hear “well, I did it all on my own without my family here” “I didn’t have a mother to help me out ever”, is kinda annoying. It really discourages me to even ask for help anymore because I feel like I’m “so needy” But I’m not. I’m actually not that needy.
On the other side you know the second village that we supposedly have well that village just doesn’t show up at all. Why they don’t show up well rumor has it, it’s because I don’t let myself be loved. Never heard of that before but sure okay.
So you know they show up when it’s convenient for them. When pictures have to be taken to show others that indeed they are our village and they have shown up to help.
Does that make sense?
Do you know people who show up take pictures to show the world A picture and say how they were there. They showed up and that’s good enough.
You are probably thinking well why don’t you just say the magic words and just ask for help.
I have. But everytime it’s either a forced help or they just can’t help.
I’m a giver. If anyone asks for help I’m there without a question. When it’s time for me to receive. I’m not the best. I’ll ask but if the answer is no then I won’t ask again. I just figure it out and move on. That’s where I’m judged because apparently I’m supposed to ask more than once.
At some point expecting to have a village becomes hurtful and toxic to your life. This year it was a battle with myself learning to just be okay with the fact that I don’t have a village.
Accepting that I did nothing wrong and that it’s okay to not have a village. Things can be figured out and I can work through it. I am extremely thankful for the people that I can actually count on including those who just listen to me and allow me to vent because sometimes that’s all we need.
Is anyone else in the same situation and how do you deal with it?
And why is it hard for others to understand that just because you have people who stand behind you doesn’t mean that everyone does. There are some of us moms who truly handle it on our own and there shouldn’t be anything wrong with speaking up about it. It’s okay to say “I don’t have a village”.
We hold back because we don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings but why would anyone get their feelings hurt if they don’t care in the first place.
I did want to add that I know it’s our responsibility as parents to care for our children and I’m not asking anyone to come raise my kids for me. Im just saying that it would be nice if people would stop saying it takes a village because that’s not the reality for some of us and it feels lonely knowing that there are people around you but are not willing to put in a bit of their time to even bond with your children.
I know I can’t be the only one with a small village or no village.
Share your thoughts with me
-Full Time Mom Love