Posted in mom, Mom life, real life, stay at home mom

Where is my village?

Everyone always says “it takes a village to raise children”.

I really do believe this because parenting can get hard specially when you have more than one child. Not necessarily meaning that children are hard, just the entire experience and unexpected situations.

I don’t know if you feel the same way but being a stay-at-home mom is a very lonely task that not many understand. Many don’t even talk about it because how dare we complain one bit about our days. Oh no, no complaining or the judgment looks begin. “But your children are beautiful”, ummm, when did I day they were ugly. ” But you get to make memories”, umm yeah small ones in between changing diapers, cooking meals, cleaning, laundry, running errands, picking up messes, you name it. So yes, sorry if a stay at home mom dares complain a bit because all assumptions begin and how ungrateful could she possibly be. Blah blah.

Anyways, yes it’s hard and yes parents need time to themselves because before being mom and dad, you were husband and wife or boyfriend and girlfriend. Take into account that if you have multiple kids and you need to go to the doctors you can’t just take all of them and then risk getting everyone sick. There are things that happen too where you need someone.

There are many moms and children stationed in states where they have no friends or family, I know that there are situations where the village is too far and nearly impossible to get close to and I do understand that sometimes villages are hard to build and moms have to deal with hard situations where they may feel even lonelier. But that’s where their village has to come in and remind them that no matter how far away they always have someone to talk to someone who will listen to them.

Then there are situations like mine where my “village” is between 10-15 minutes away but not there. I constantly heard advise that sounded a little like this : “don’t be afraid to ask for help” “If you ask for help, help will come” “There is plenty of people who care about you guys so just ask for help”. Seriously left and right people just tell you to ask for help.

But what happenes when the only help you can get is your own. I know I can handle all this because I have been for the past 2 years as a stay at home mom. I’ve managed to find things that work for me. Things to get past my anxiety. I am able to clean daily, cook daily, and maintain my sanity. I am literally a mom 24/7 there are no breaks for this mom. You can find me browsing the Target aisles alone maybe once a month.

The fact that I have this so called “village” so close to me but rarely shows up is hard. It’s like one of those things that you just don’t know what to do with it.

Here is my vent. To those who think I can just get up and go and that think date nights are fun and all, you are wrong. Date nights are scheduled and always such a small window because again the village that I have is not really my village and consist of probably 2 people.

When you hear “well, I did it all on my own without my family here” “I didn’t have a mother to help me out ever”, is kinda annoying. It really discourages me to even ask for help anymore because I feel like I’m “so needy” But I’m not. I’m actually not that needy.

On the other side you know the second village that we supposedly have well that village just doesn’t show up at all. Why they don’t show up well rumor has it, it’s because I don’t let myself be loved. Never heard of that before but sure okay.

So you know they show up when it’s convenient for them. When pictures have to be taken to show others that indeed they are our village and they have shown up to help.

Does that make sense?

Do you know people who show up take pictures to show the world A picture and say how they were there. They showed up and that’s good enough.

You are probably thinking well why don’t you just say the magic words and just ask for help.

I have. But everytime it’s either a forced help or they just can’t help.

I’m a giver. If anyone asks for help I’m there without a question. When it’s time for me to receive. I’m not the best. I’ll ask but if the answer is no then I won’t ask again. I just figure it out and move on. That’s where I’m judged because apparently I’m supposed to ask more than once.

At some point expecting to have a village becomes hurtful and toxic to your life. This year it was a battle with myself learning to just be okay with the fact that I don’t have a village.

Accepting that I did nothing wrong and that it’s okay to not have a village. Things can be figured out and I can work through it. I am extremely thankful for the people that I can actually count on including those who just listen to me and allow me to vent because sometimes that’s all we need.

Is anyone else in the same situation and how do you deal with it?

And why is it hard for others to understand that just because you have people who stand behind you doesn’t mean that everyone does. There are some of us moms who truly handle it on our own and there shouldn’t be anything wrong with speaking up about it. It’s okay to say “I don’t have a village”.

We hold back because we don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings but why would anyone get their feelings hurt if they don’t care in the first place.

I did want to add that I know it’s our responsibility as parents to care for our children and I’m not asking anyone to come raise my kids for me. Im just saying that it would be nice if people would stop saying it takes a village because that’s not the reality for some of us and it feels lonely knowing that there are people around you but are not willing to put in a bit of their time to even bond with your children.

I know I can’t be the only one with a small village or no village.

Share your thoughts with me

-Full Time Mom Love

Posted in mom, Mom life

Why I became a stay-at-home mom..

Hello again,

I know I know I always have the same introduction, but really how does time just fly by.

It slips out of our hands and next thing you know it’s been days, weeks, months, years.

Anyways, you know before having kids I always wondered how someone became a stay-at-home mom. I never really pictures myself staying home and taking care of my kids. I’ve always been the type to get up and go and just do things. Life just seemed so full of things to do how could I possibly stay home ALL the time.

Well here I am, almost 2 years of being home with my boys. It is so hard and I truly don’t even know how I did it when I was a working mom. I feel like I’m always busy, there is never a break.

When my first baby was born, I went straight to work without issues. I managed to exclusively pump for 9 months and not only that but I was a full time student and working full time. I have no idea how I managed to do that but I did it for an entire year. One day I just started to feel more anxious and that anxiety grew each day. I would be okay and bring myself to feel okay for a bit but then the next day the feeling would come back. I thought I just need a change. So, I changed jobs and started fresh. I was excited, nervous but excited for the change. I did fine the first few days then the anxiety started to pick up. Except, this time I would get to work and I would go to the restroom and cry. I didn’t understand the feeling and to be honest I felt so dumb.

What was happening to me. I opened up to my husband after about 2 weeks of this happening to me. I didn’t know how to explain to someone what I was feeling inside. I was happy for my new opportunity and to be able to learn something new but at the same time I felt like I was missing something, I was sad about something that I couldn’t quite put my finger on.

And, just like that I quit my job.

Almost 2 years now and I still think about what happened. I think I had post partum depression but at the moment I tried so hard to hide that from myself because the thought of having PPD made me feel weak.

I love being a stay-at-home mom but let me tell you, it’s the hardest job ever. I am glad I made a decision for myself but I wish I would have spoken out about what I was feeling, about what I was thinking. If I would have spoken out I would have been able to get the help I needed.

I don’t know much about PPD but I do know that it doesn’t just happen when you first give birth. It can happen any time, during pregnancy or a year after giving birth.

Speak out for yourself. Don’t be ashamed of what you are feeling.

I knew what to expect with my second baby and staying busy has really helped me control my feelings and feel better about myself.

Until next post. ❤

Thank you for reading.

Posted in Mom life

Taking a walk down pregnancy lane

I’m probably just thinking about my pregnancy a lot because in 1 month I will be mom to a 1-year-old and I’m trying to let that sink in a bit.

Around this time last year I was already going on with my day without any sleep, but let’s go back to where this all began.

As you may know from my previous post that on June 07 of 2015 I had a miscarriage. This put me in a very rough spot and I dealt with depression for a while. The months went on and we decided we did not want to try for another in fear of going through what we had gone through. We decided around November/ December to plan a trip. It was something very spontaneous and we began planning. We were all set to leave the second week of January 2016 to New York.

I had been having a weird feeling but was not sure what it was… Something kept telling me to get a pregnancy test but fear would stop me. I decided to finally test and to my surprise, it was POSITIVE!!

A week later we were on a plane to New York and that’s when it all began, morning sickness on the plane. I still feel bad for the girl next to me who had to witness it all as I could not hold anything in. I knew at the moment that I was in for a ride with this pregnancy. The morning sickness was not only morning, it came in the day, at night, in the morning, regardless of the place. This lasted for 4.5 months!!!

Everyone would tell me it would pass when I hit the second trimester. I counted the days for this to happen but it didn’t. I wore the bracelets to help with the sickness, took medicine prescribed by the midwife and that didn’t work, tried ginger, crackers, candy, gum, but nothing would work. Slowly it stopped and then guess what…. heartburn. Constant heartburn even when I drank water. Then came the anxiety attacks.

Let me tell you, anxiety attacks are no joke. I had never experienced any until this time in my pregnancy. I will not get into too much detail about them as they were a very hard thing to deal with and its hard to think about them.

There was something new constantly with my pregnancy and the only solution my midwife would give me was to rest! How does someone get any rest when working full-time and being a full-time student. At this point I was well past 34 weeks. Then very suddenly I began to experience itching throughout my lower stomach, the side of my thighs, all the way down to my knees. The itching was unbearable that I would sit in the shower past midnight just letting cold water fall on me to be able to deal with the itching for a bit. I would not sleep. I tried coconut oil with almond oil and several other lotions. Finally let my midwife know and they drew blood and ran some tests. I waited and in the mean time just had restless nights with extreme rashes through my body without any answers. At my 39 week check up they finally said that my tests were not looking good. I had cholestasis. Whatever that meant all I knew was that it was not good. That same day they told me I would have to be induced because normally they don’t let anyone go past 37 weeks when they had cholestasis and I was already 39 weeks. I was not ready even though I had been telling myself I was ready. I was going to give birth already, but how? I was not ready at all.

I felt that from that moment on it all became a blur. What I had planned for had changed without me even getting any notice. September 8, I went in to begin induction and Friday Sept 9, 2016 at 11:24 p.m. I became a mom. And at that very moment the 39 weeks and 5 days of surprises and unexpected turns, disappeared. The love of my life was in my arms. 7 pounds 10 ounces of pure love, joy, and excitement filled my heart.

Before getting pregnant I had this idea in my head of how pregnancy would like. I would have that glow that everyone talks about. Mine was every other day if I got lucky and it came with the help of makeup. Not one thing of my pregnancy went as I planned. Everyone had great advise some wanted and some unwanted but all of it helped me in one way or another to be able to deal with the constant pain I was in.

Life will always throw unexpected things and as much as we try to have control over it there are times we just have to let go and let God guide us. People who know what I had to deal with ask me if I would do it again even if I knew I would have to deal with the same and my answer is, YES. Without a doubt I would do it all over again. The end result is a feeling that cannot be explained. It is a feeling that does not end and it only keeps growing and as much as I try to use words to explain it, I can’t.

Wish all those women looking to get pregnant good luck. Take it day by day, trust me it’ll all be worth it.